


the dreaded group chat

by ehhhplou



Series: NYC's Human Disasters [3]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Iron Fist (TV), Jessica Jones (TV), Luke Cage (TV), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Punisher (TV 2017)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Team as Family, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22149562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ehhhplou/pseuds/ehhhplou
Summary: imagine the marvel netflix heroes, but chaotic and with phones. that's what this mess is.
Relationships: Frank Castle & Matt Murdock & Peter Parker, Frank Castle & Peter Parker, Frank Castle & Peter Parker & Danny Rand, Jessica Jones & Peter Parker, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson
Series: NYC's Human Disasters [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545892
Comments: 65
Kudos: 369





	1. a chat is born

_ Matt created unnamed group chat _

_ Matt added Jess, Pete, Luke, Frank, Danny _

_ Matt changed his name to Daredevil _

Daredevil: Just in case somebody ever finds this group chat

_ Pete changed his name to spooder _

spooder: amazing 

_ spooder changed Jess’ name to stronk ‘n drunk _

_ spooder changed Luke’s name to mm,,mmmm big muscle man _

stronk ‘n drunk: whay the fuge

stronk ‘n drunk: whsr tge fuvk*

Daredevil: do you mean what the fuck?

stronk ‘n drunk: ye that

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: i already hate this

_ stronk ‘n drunk changed Danny’s name to Golden Boy _

_ stronk ‘n drunk changed Daredevil’s name to Horny Boy _

stronk ‘n drunk: there

Golden Boy: uwu what’s this?

spooder: HKZJHFAKJSHDKJHSKJDHSKHASKJ

Horny Boy: Peter, please remember that I’m using text to speech

spooder: sorry, BUT WHO TAUGHT DANNY UWU CULTURE?

Golden Boy: Colleen

spooder: I’m sending her a fruit basket

stronk ‘n drunk: and i’m senfomg hwe antgrax

Horny Boy: Jess, you’re drunk

stronk ‘n drunk: ye, wgat avout it?

Horny Boy: I’m using text to speech 

stronk ‘n drunk: Oh sgit

stronk ‘n drunk: im sjuttinf up

_ stronk ‘n drunk went offline _

Horny Boy: thanks

spooder: this is so goddamned chaotic

_ spooder changed the name of the group chat to wanted criminals lmao _

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: accurate

Frank: What the fuck is this bullshit?

_ spooder changed Frank’s name to  _ **_GUNS_ **

**GUNS** : i’m going to ask again, what the fuck is this bullshit?

Horny Boy: A group chat, just in case we need to contact each other ASAP

**_GUNS_ ** _ left wanted criminals lmao _

_ spooder added  _ **_GUNS_ ** _ to wanted criminals lmao _

spooder: you’ll never get out of this group chat

spooder: not as long as you’re alive

spooder: and even when you’re dead i’ll go to the afterlife and drag you back into this group chat

**GUNS** : what the hell webs? I’m muting this shit

**GUNS** : wtf 

**GUNS** : I can’t mute this

**GUNS** : what the hell??

spooder: you will never escape

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: that’s why you don’t mess with geniuses


	2. secret spies and phone hijacking

_ spooder is online _

spooder: yall know that the birds work for the bourgeoisie?

_ stronk ‘n drunk is online _

stronk ‘n drunk: I’m finally sober-ish and i check my phone just to find you spouting this bullshit 

spooder: all of the birds died in 1986 due to raegan killing them and replacing them with spies that are watching us

**_GUNS_ ** _ is online _

**GUNS** : That sounds like something that would happen to me

spooder: elaborate

**GUNS** : no

stronk ‘n drunk: fair

_ Horny Boy is online _

Horny Boy: fair

_ Golden Boy is online _

Golden Boy: fair

_ mm,,mmmm big muscle man is online _

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: fair

_ Wade added Wade to wanted criminals lmao _

_ Wade changed Wade’s name to hellokittyfan69 _

hellokittyfan69: fair

stronk ‘n drunk: how?

spooder: dont question him, not worth it

_ spooder kicked hellokittyfan69 from wanted criminals lmao _

Horny Boy: I have an actual job, so shut the FUCK up and stop blowing up my notifications.

spooder: no

Golden Boy: okay

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: okay

**GUNS** : im just here since my TV broke and im bored as shit

stronk ‘n drunk: ye, this is quality entertainment

Horny Boy: Hello there, this is Foggy.

Horny Boy: Stop distracting him

spooder: no

Horny Boy: Wait

Horny Boy: Is this a Defenders group chat?   
  


spooder: more like general vigilante group chat, but yeah

Horny Boy: OMFG you’re Spider-Man!

spooder: yup, that’s me

spooder: sticky boy man that shoots white goop

Horny Boy: Don’t put it like that! That’s why they say to never meet your heroes.

Horny Boy: I just noticed Matt’s name and I’m honest to god cackling

stronk ‘n drunk: hi fogs

Horny Boy: I assume you’re Jess

stronk ‘n drunk: ye

**GUNS** : tell Karen me and the kid say hi

Horny Boy: Karen says to pet Max from her

**GUNS** : of course she does

Horny Boy: By the way, who are you ‘guns’?

**GUNS** : Frank

Horny Boy: I still haven’t forgiven you for blowing all of my hard work

**GUNS** : just because i’m not facing you doesn’t mean I can’t kill you

Horny Boy: You wouldn’t.

Horny Boy: Karen loves me too much

**GUNS** : it was worth a try

Horny Boy: Matt is wondering why am I still using his phonehsizkxhkdjhskjhakjDSJKNKJWHE

Horny Boy: How much did Foggy embarrass me?

spooder: not at all

spooder: he was mostly just enthusiastic

Horny Boy: That’s good.

stronk ‘n drunk: i just wanted more juicy deets

stronk ‘n drunk: more gossip

stronk ‘n drunk: more dirt on you

Horny Boy: I’m glad you didn’t get that


	3. bunches of fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what

spooder: so yeah, thats the story of how i got my powers

stronk 'n drunk: jesus h. chrsit

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: christ*

stronk 'n drunk: fuck off

stronk 'n drunk: fuck all the way off

Golden Boy: you'd think they would make sure to keep RADIOACTIVE SPIDERS enclosed

spooder: it was also genetically modified and enhanced to alter the DNA sequence

spooder: if it was just a lil off i would have ended up with a genetic disorder and not cool superopwers

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: superpowers*

spooder: you should be destroyed by an almighty wrinkly ass purple ballsack with a rock collection and a severe superiority complex

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: That's oddly specific

Golden Boy: is really nobody going to comment on the fact that oscorp produces spiders that can literally cripple somebody with a bite?

spooder: i destroyed all of them

spooder: i was the almighty wrinkly ass purple ballsack of genetically altered and enhanced spiders produced at oscorp

stronk 'n drunk: you make me break my policy of not giving a fuck about people because you say just such weird shit

stronk 'n drunk: you are worse than not sober malcolm

spooder: malcolm is my spirit mate

spooder: my platonic soulmate

spooder: no matter if sober or not

spooder: tell him i finally got a switch and mario kart so he better square the fuck up

stronk 'n drunk: i ain't a motherfucking mail pigeon

spooder: then become one and tell him to square the fuck up

Golden Boy: I stg you and Matt are the only ones that can get away with talking to Jess like that

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: Maybe Trish, but she wouldn't out of principle

Horny Boy: Trish doesn't hesitate to trash talk Jess

stronk ‘n drunk: since when are you here?

_hellokittyfan69 added hellokittyfan69 to wanted criminals lmao_

hellokittyfan69: he was always here

spooder: what the diddly darn chicken farm cattle barn its lit fam dank weed man drunk lamb are you doing here

hellokittyfan69: providing background for this stupid ass fan fic written by an insomniac lil bitch

spooder: stop fucking with the fabric of the universe man strange is on vacation and constantine is currently in hell trying to get luci out so there aint nobody who can stitch it back together

hellokittyfan69: i’m an excellent tailor and seamstress

hellokittyfan69: i am more than capable of stitching it back up

spooder: then why don’t u ever do it

hellokittyfan69: i don’t carry my sewing kit in the suit

hellokittyfan69: same with a wallet

hellokittyfan69: i have enough awkward creases and bunches in the gimp outfit

spooder: youre awkward anyways and two or three lil bunches can’t hurt

hellokittyfan69: i assure you that none of my bunches are lil

hellokittyfan69: average yes

hellokittyfan69: lil no

stronk ‘n drunk: ffs i don’t give a shit about your dick wade

spooder: he isnt talking about his dick jess

Horny Boy: He is not talking about his dick, but about his bunches.

mm,,mmmm big muscle man: What the fuck are his bunches?

spooder: we have no idea

Horny Boy: Don’t question him.


	4. what

_ spooder changed mm,,mmmm big muscle man's name to Waluigi _

_ spooder changed stronk 'n drunk's name to Father _

_ spooder changed Golden Boy's name to Babey _

_ spooder changed Horny Boy's name to Lucy _

_ spooder changed  _ **_GUNS_ ** _ 's name to Icon _

spooder: new names britches

spooder: life is a vacuum chamber and im a can of beans

_ spooder changed spooder's name to beans _

_ Icon is now online _

Icon: what's with the new names kid?

beans: wouldnt u like to know weatherboy

Icon: kid 

beans: new codenames courtesy of me, harr and M

_ Father is now online _

Father: why does she get a capital?

beans: 

Father: wtf is that supposed to mean?

Icon: It's what She deserves

Father: ???

Icon: Amy introduced me to the meme culture

Icon: internet is a scary place and we just explored ‘normie’ memes

beans: prepare for tumblr memes 

Icon: me right now

beans: replace right now with rn and it will be perfection

beans: i stan jonathan

Father: aren't you straight?

Icon: bi 

Father: you had a wife and kids

Father: that's some straight people shit

beans: that straight or repressed queer due to internalized homophobia caused by growing up in a conservative household shit

Icon: ^

Father: gotcha

_ Lucy is now online _

Lucy: That means nothing to me.

Lucy: Literally.

Lucy: Because you know.

Father: we get it horns

beans: you hate my memes 

beans: i ain't giving you descriptions for sth u hate

Lucy: Oh, if they are memes then good.

Lucy: Don't describe them under any circumstance.

Father: eye eye cap'n

beans: its captain

Father: that's what I said

beans: you said cap'n

beans: like cap'n crunch

Father: well then

Father: eye eye captain

beans: yall ever seen star trek

Father: miss me with that nerd shit

Icon: i used to watch it

Lucy: My dad was obsessed with it

beans: i picked red for my suit because of the red shirts

Icon: don’t the red shirts die all the time?

beans: exactly

Lucy: Petey, I’m worried about you.

beans: lmao you aint my dad

Father: bitch nobody in this chat has a dad

beans: im the last of my bloodline

beans: and im infertile lol

Icon: how do you know that? you’re a child, there’s no reason for you to test?

beans: im a person of science

beans: i did every single test i could after the bite

beans: several times over a span of a couple years to see if stuff changes

Father: wait I never had any tests after the car crash

beans: basic preventative bloodwork in a private lab?

Father: no

beans: a proper physical?

Father: well only when i was in a hospital

beans: you have the results in digital or phisical

Father: nope

beans: im calling claire and getting my test kits

Icon: again, youre a child. how can YOU perform medical procedures

beans: i have two phds one in biomolecular engineering with a specialty in uses in medicine and one in chemical engineering

Icon: the fuck

Father: the fuck

beans: bitch i am qualified

Father: how old are you again?

beans: im turning nineteen

Father: the fuck

Icon: the fuck

beans: and im getting three more doctorates this year if everything goes well whoop whoop

Lucy: I’m speaking in everyone’s name

Lucy: WHAT THE FUCK?

Icon: ^^

Father: ^

_ Waluigi is now online _

Waluigi: I just read everything and WTF

Waluigi: how?

beans: energy drinks, adderall and pure desperation

beans: jk adderall does fuck all in normal doses

beans: id have to chomp down like three bottles of the stuff or make a specific concentrate and i aint got time for that bull

beans: but caffeine works since it hits spiders really hard and i metabolise it faster it kinda balances out

Father: jesus christ

Lucy: blasphemy

Waluigi: don’t say the Lord’s name in vain

Icon: didn’t know you were religious Cage

Waluigi: my dad was a pastor

Father: another altar boy ffs

Father: we have two altar boys and a monk in this merry fuck up band

beans: im a pagan

beans: and i practice light and grey magic

Father: so we have two altar boys, a monk and a fucking wizard

Icon: i have a belief system based on c onfucianism

Father: two altar boys, a monk, a wizard and a morally gray confucian? 

Icon: i mean it’s not totally inaccurate

_ Babey is now online _

Babey: wait webs has a phd?

Father: yes catch the fuck up we are on the subject of religion now

Babey: I’m not a monk

Babey: I’m somewhere between a Buddhist, a Confucian and a Shinto follower

Father: what a goddamned mess

Babey: excuse me

Father: i don’t mean your religion, but us as a group

Lucy: I still don’t know how do we work together

hellokittyfan69: I believe that friendship is magic <3

_ beans changed hellokittyfan69’s name to Wade-Bo _

Wade-Bo: You didn’t know how smart that boy was?

Lucy: I knew he was smart, just not THAT smart

beans: if you didn’t have any health tests then report to me and set up a meet, not giving a damn about injuries is ok if you have it under control, but i dont want yall to drop dead because of toxic shit in your blood or sth

Waluigi: it’s hard to get blood samples from me

beans: i gots vibranium

beans: limited amounts but even after being used for medical stuff it can be easily repurposed so ill supply claire with some scalpels and needles

Waluigi: you sure that it will work?

beans: that shit is literal magic and from my study on the species your cells were enhanced with they should do perfectly

Waluigi: Thank you

beans: is chill

beans: i can also supply some metabolic suppressants

beans: temporarily slowing down your healing factor to perform procedures or if you get shrapnel 

Waluigi: could you really do that?

beans: i’d give you the basic kind but with a blood sample i could work out a personally suited version

beans: and specialty painkillers for u and jess

beans: cause that basic shit don’t work on u 

Father: i would seriously owe you 

Father: i have some nerve pains that pop up once in a while and i can’t do shit when they are going on

beans: where?

Father: lower back

beans: gurl get yourself some weed stuffs

Father: i was never the one for weed

beans: CBD not THC

beans: CBD’s the health kind and THC is the high kind

Father: gotcha

beans: although gettin stoned is also real fun during pain episodes

Lucy: And how would you know?

beans: gotta blast

_ beans is now offline _

Lucy: He will be the death of me

Father: of all of us

Father: but also painkillers

Waluigi: and working medical supplies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im just spouting out bull lately huh? gimme ideas if you want to see something   
> -p


	5. the brunch bunch

beans: frick yall im gonna move to canada and hunt beaver

Wade-Bo: I have a friend near Stony Rapids who's a hunter and taxidermist

Wade-Bo: He could hook you up

beans: thx wade

beans: u r always supportive of me

Wade-Bo: That's cause you're my baby boy

Wade-Bo: a funky lil disaster of a genius 

Babey: adorable

Wade-Bo: YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN THE MOMENT

Father: i wanted to see the wholesome convo wtf rand

Waluigi: you have awful timing Danny

Icon: ey Rand

Babey: what

Icon: f u

Babey: :(

beans: yall know that both wolvie and pool are canadians

Wade-Bo: yup, though he's like 200 years old or sum

beans: i think hes like 150

beans: yea hes turning 150 in a week

Wade-Bo: WE ARE THROWING HIM A B-DAY PARTY

Father: i'll get the booze and ye webs ye gonna get a bottle of orange soda

beans: thought you would be more hesitant 

Father: I like Logan

Father: He doesn't do bullshit

Father: unlike fucking everybody here

beans: lets get josie to rent out the place for us for a night 

beans: cigars, pool and whiskey are kinda his thang

Wade-Bo: That's a good idea actually

Wade-Bo: I'll get Wease behind the bar and invite some of his other friends

beans: no more than 20ppl in total

Wade-Bo: this gc, Dom, Nathan, Quick boy, Remy 

beans: that all?

Wade-Bo: rouge could also come

beans: cool

Lucy: I'll take care of Josie

Lucy: She loves Karen and if anybody will be able to make her rent out her precious hole in the wall it’s Karen

Babey: We do the deets later

Icon: yeah, log off everybody

_Everybody is now offline_

* * *

_beans is now online_

beans: bone marrow? more like mmm smooth human bone pudding

_Father is now online_

_Icon is now online_

Father: wtf 

beans: shit wrong chat 

Icon: what chat could you possibly send that to?

beans: dont put your nose where it dont belong hoe

_Wade-Bo is now online_

Wade-Bo: Petey you’re adorable when you get all street

beans: i literally grew up next to a squat for my entire life

beans: my aunt was a smackhead

beans: i have always been ‘street’

Icon: wait I thought you grew up in forest hills?

Father: ye, once when we were there we passed a house and you said you used to live there

beans: until the age of four

beans: then i lived in a group home where the adults spend the cash on meth for 2 yrs

beans: and then i moved in with my junkie aunt and my drunk of an uncle 

beans: oh and my pop was a coke enthusiast and my mum was an adderall and speed user so the nice home till the age of four was with addicts and workaholics

Father: new contender for the shittiest childhood

Icon: but he wasn’t a child soldier like Matt or Danny

beans: lmao wasnt

beans: btw wade and luke are the only non new yorker britches here

_Babey is now online_

Babey: I doubt I count

beans: if you were born and raised in nyc for at least 10 years u a new yorker

Icon: yall know I lived in Jersey for two years

beans: die

Father: die

_Lucy is now online_

Lucy: Die.

Babey: Aren’t we gonna talk about Pete implying that he was also a child soldier?

beans: i aint telling you no more shit bout me

beans: you already know more than the avengers

beans: and they think of me as their trainee

beans: they have never seen my face

beans: and they dont have my name

Father: and how do you know that?

beans: starks cybersecurity on his private servers is lowkey shit

beans: i expected more from 'the smartest man in the world'

beans: me harr and ned busted it in twenty minutes and dr banner made more groundbreaking discoveries in half a decade than mr 1% in his whole life

beans: fucking boomer 

Father: can I hire you?

beans: we do freelance work

Father: how much

beans: depends on level of security

beans: FBI/S.H.I.E.L.D./CIA/NSA is 380 for a temporary entry since they use similar firewalls and all need to be re entered every hour we take cash and crypto

Father: i’ll keep that in mind

beans: private servers and computers vary

beans: custom software and hardware mods vary too

beans: harr is the software guy ned is the hacker and im the hardware. we can all do all three of those but we each have preferences

beans: ill give you their numbers

Father: if i drop off my laptop at yours will you check it out

beans: ill do that 4 u 4 free want any specific mods

Father: just general updades

Father: efficiency etc.

Lucy: You do custom software?

beans: ye

Lucy: Could you customize my screen reader? The shit available is… well shit.

beans: sure

beans: but frank has micro and danny has a shit load of it dudes so i aint doing shit 4 u 4 free 

Babey: I really want a slurpee

beans: a cherry slurpee?

Babey: yeah

beans: aleksi

beans: that you my man

beans: здрaвствуйте 

Lucy: My phone just said ‘russian’

beans: im updating the piece of shit too

beans: life is a joke and were just clowns 

Babey: 

Father: IM CACKLING OMG

Icon: beautiful

Icon: it's little pete, back when he was in high school, with a clown nose and a clown wig photoshopped on and "i'm boo boo the fool" is written across the photo

Lucy: That is funny

Waluigi is now online

Waluigi: damn 

Waluigi: I missed a lot

Waluigi: I'm seriously questioning my decision of muting this

Icon: you can mute this bullshit???

beans: he never tried to escape

beans: reap what you sow hoe

Icon: i hate you

beans: ok yoomer

Babey: yoomer?

beans: gen y 

beans: boomers then busters then xzooners then yoomers then zoomers

beans: xzooners are xennials yoomers are millennials

beans changed the name of wanted criminals lmao to 6 yoomers and a zoomer

Father: ey pete

Father: how old were you in that photo

beans: 12 i think

beans: ye it was two weeks b4 my 13 bday

beans: M took it and said i have the expression of an adult who got diagnosed with lung cancer but the face of a 9 year old

Waluigi: accurate

Father: ye

Father: btw danny how'd you get that pic?

Babey: he is apparently besties with colleen and she once wanted to see him as a kid

Babey: so she had the photo and I just sent it over to myself

Father: huh

* * *

**BRUNCH BUNCH**

Wing: So anyways

Wing: Danny is now in love with vintage postcards

Temple: If Luke did stuff like that I would kick him out

Walker: ugh Jess just hoards old print outs from cases

Walker: I don't even live with her and it's affecting me

Walker: Imagine opening a cabinet, trying to and a bunch of bona fide nudes just spilling out

Parx: M collects old dolls

Parx: theres a whole shelf of haunted or possessed ones

Bendy: Frank just has guns

Bendy: guns stashed everywhere

Bendy: i once found a container with rice which is weird since neither of us ever eat rice

Bendy: so i decided to make some

Bendy: i open the box

Bendy: pour some into the rice cooker that we apparently have for some freaking reason

Bendy: and what falls out

Bendy: a gun

Michael: glad I don't live with you two

Bendy: he makes fuego muffins though

Uma: Wade has a collection of Wolverine merch

Uma: Just to piss Logan off

Summer: And you have a lot of belts and harnesses

Uma: I like variety 

Uma: sometimes I just need to have 8 guns and 12 knives on me and other times I just carry around a taser and purses are impractical both everyday and on a job

Bendy: that's why I carry a backpack!

Parx: and thats why nathan has a bumbag 

Summer: They are practical

Uma: Doesn't excuse wearing four (4) separate fanny packs at once

Summer: F off

Summer: uhh, this tech sucks

Parx: oh im sorry we still dont have access to empinium 

Parx: its just in an unexplored part of space

Parx: and i dont have free time to hop and get some

Parx: and i also dont have a fucking self powered spaceship since that would require actually having resources and not just old microwave metal and weed wacker engines

Summer: okay, stop being so salty

Summer: yeooch

Temple: Is that some future slang stuff?

Uma: No, he just likes to mess with us

Wing: good, i would stab somebody if humanity started to use the word "yeooch"

Walker: What do you guys think of changing it up and getting mani pedis on the next meeting?

Michael: I'm due to get a fill on my nails

Summer: i'm down, but just a pedicure for me

Summer: I don't think an esthetician would know to do with my arm

Page is now online

Page: I'm down for a mani 

Walker: can I add Malcolm to the chat?

Bendy: go for it

Bendy: more people to talk shit with

Michael: hell yeah

_Walker added Malcolm to BRUNCH BUNCH_

_Parx changed Malcolm's name to DucASS_

_DucASS is now online_

DucASS: What is this

Parx: the official brunch bunch chat

Parx: we meet up and trash talk others

Parx: youre invited to the next hang out

Parx: sorry for the name but i couldnt think of anything with your name so i had to stoop to gen z in 2013 humor

Bendy: we're getting mani pedis

DucASS: i'm down only if I can get a set of gels

Wing: hell yeah you can

Wing: Danny's paying

Uma: He's always paying

Uma: That's why we can throw out thousands on trash talking

DucASS: How long has this been going on?

Temple: We hang out every three weeks for like four months now

Michael: just don't. tell. the. others. 

_Nighty is now online_

Nighty: this is a secret shit talking group and we don't need them shoving their noses where they don't belong

Nighty: I'm down for mani pedis, but only if the next one we go to a bar

Wing: HELL YES

Parx: i dont think theyll let me or amy into a bar

Wing: bribes

Nighty: I'm gonna pretend that this text didn't reach me

Michael: just as I am pretending that I'm not a cop that is helping the punisher 

Bendy: just as i wasn't pretending for like a year and a half that the punisher wasnt my adopted parental unit

Parx: we are all such messes 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beans/Parx - Peter Parker  
> Walker - Trish Walker  
> Nighty - Misty Knight  
> Wing - Colleen Wing  
> Bendy - Amy Bendix  
> Michael - Lynn Michaels  
> Temple - Claire Temple  
> Summer - Nathan Summers (Cable)  
> Uma - Neena Thurman (Domino)  
> Page - Karen Page


	6. yall want sth?

beans: going to a store

beans: yall want sth?

Father: smooth peanut butter

Father: fucking malcolm bought that lumpy shit again

Babey: string cheese and strawberry pop tarts

Babey: and titanium tattoo needles

beans: the f you need those for?

Babey: i need to touch up mine and colleen's tattoos

Babey: turns out that scorched human flesh and blood don't make a long lasting tattoo ink

Father: wtf rand

Icon: 1000 rounds of 115g 9mm ammo 

Icon: don't feel like looking for a shipment to bust and i'm running low

Lucy: A 100 pack of plain manilla folders

Lucy: Because you snuck in and stole them from the office because you ran out.

Lucy: Again.

Wade-Bo: coke

beans: would pepsi work

Wade-Bo: wtf kind of drug is Pepsi?

Waluigi: yall need Jesus

beans: whos jesús 

beans: was he trafficked

beans: do i have to free him

Waluigi: Jesus Christ

beans: ah gotcha

beans: dont think walmart carries jesus, but ill check

beans: would a kjv bible work

Waluigi: ,,,,sure

beans: gr8

* * *

Lucy: Peter, what did you get for yourself at Walmart?

beans: arizona ice tea

beans: cranberry sauce

beans: gun

beans: morello cherries

beans: more gun

beans: triscuits

beans: cosmic brownies

beans: rohypnol

beans: some more gun

Icon: kid wtf

beans: yeah i shouldnt have spent my money on cherries 

beans: dom always has them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im going on a holiday for a week and a half so here's a lil somethin just in case im not able to post while im out of town


	7. peter wtf?

Icon: why do you need guns?

beans: 4 personal use

Babey: sjsjjdjdjfkfkf what does that mean

Wade-Bo: it means that Dom asked him to buy her guns and he is just trying to worry us

beans: why do you always have to ruin my fun

Waluigi: okay, that's a relief

Father: why is nobody mentioning rohypnol aka. ROOFIES

Lucy: How do you get that at Walmart?

beans: you get it in the parking lot

Lucy: Peter, please tell us why do you need roofies.

beans: im working a case and i needed sth to cross reference with

Waluigi: okay, that's a relief x2

Wade-Bo: you got that coke for me?

beans: check your fire escape

Wade-Bo: thx 

Lucy: How do you get coke at Walmart?

beans: the soda aisle 

beans: or the parking lot

Icon: now i'm confused does he mean drugs or soda?

beans: yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Icon: Frank Castle  
> beans: Peter Parker  
> Father: Jessica Jones  
> Lucy: Matt Murdock  
> Waluigi: Luke Cage  
> Babey: Danny Rand  
> Wade-Bo: Wade Wilson


	8. herpes, nightmares and homophobes

beans: so i gots the test results back for all of u

beans: want me to tell u in private or can i just put em here

Lucy: Go for it.

Father: i'm cool with that

Icon: I mean we've seen each other when high and shit, so let's do it

Babey: sure, lay it out

Waluigi: yeah, send them here

beans: so jess has a severe iron deficiency

beans: but your enhancement comes from 

beans: drumroll please

beans: leafcutter ant

Father: wtf

beans: Ant-Woman

Father: no

_beans changed Father's name to Ant-Woman_

Ant-Woman: no

Lucy: shut up Ant-Woman

beans: danny

beans: you have traces of a rare toxin in your blood

beans: prolly from that fight 2 weeks ago

beans: it will clear out in 2-3 weeks time and beside that u r fully healthy

beans: BUT

beans: you have a 11.2% chance of having a ginger child

beans: im sorry

Babey: oh no.

beans: my spidey sense detects sarcasm

beans changed Babey's name to ginger :c

beans: luke

beans: you are healthy 

beans: but your enhancement will wear down with time so you need to repeat the procedure that gave you powers every 10-12 years to keep em

Waluigi: i can't wait for my next hot acid bath.

beans: i spy with my little eye a bunch of sarcasm

beans changed Waluogi's name to **acid**

beans: Matt

beans: you have herpes

Lucy: Great.

beans: hey, you agreed to this

Lucy: And I'm questioning that decision

Father: most people have fucking herpes

Father: not a big deal

beans: ^ true

beans: and the most fascinating results

beans: frank

beans: drumroll again

beans: you are related to jones

beans: u r her uncle

Ant-Woman: whoa

Icon: wild

beans: it looks like franks dad had a daughter /w somebody else than franks mom

beans: that later became jess' mom

Ant-Woman: fucking weird

Lucy: Is Frank a cool uncle?

Ant-Woman: fuck off

Icon: fuck off

Wade-Bo: And me?

beans: still more cancer than man

_beans changed Wade-Bo's name to cancer_

**acid** : So, let me recap

**acid** : Jess is Ant-Woman and Frank's niece, Danny can have a ginger kid, I have to bathe in hot acid every 10-12 years, Wade is just cancer and Matt has herpes

**acid** : want to share your results?

beans: im only 96.4% human

ginger :c : That's still a lot.

beans: chimpanzees are 96% human

beans: if i got bitten as a baby i could have grown more eyes

beans: or fangs

beans: well i got abnormally sharp canines

beans: but they are more vampire fangs and not chelicera fangs

beans: if i could have children they would prolly come out with extra limbs or shit like that

Ant-Woman: normal kids are annoying enough

Ant-Woman: imagine a bunch of humanoid spiders running around

Icon: thx for the nightmare fuel

Icon: humanoid spiders will really spice up my PTSD dreams

_cancer changed beans' name to_ **_nightmare_ **

_cancer changed Icon's name to cool uncle_

Babey: are you okay Frank?

Icon: none of your business rand

Lucy: Are any of us okay?

**_nightmare_** : you, luke and danny are physically okay

**_nightmare_** : besides your herpes

Lucy: Screw off Pete.

Lucy: You know what I meant.

Waluigi: I'm not sure he does

* * *

**_nightmare_** : im tired of this bull

cancer: what happened? 

**_nightmare_** : some bitches kidnapped me

**_nightmare_** : peter me

**_nightmare_** : not webs me

**_nightmare_** : because they think im dating harry

**_nightmare_** : so not only did they demand a ransom for me

**_nightmare_** : they also wanted to out him and this whole situation is a mess because

**_nightmare_** : a) fucking r u d e

**_nightmare_** : b) im not even harrys bf

**_nightmare_** : c) it aint like being into the same gender would matter to him

**_nightmare_** : his dad would be pissed

**_nightmare_** : but he would be just peachy

_Lucy is now online_

Lucy: You got kidnapped?!

**_nightmare_** : old news

**_nightmare_** : what isnt old news is the homophobic and ignorant kidnappers

**_nightmare_** : just because me and harr are comfortable with physical affection doesnt mean were together ffs

cancer: preach 🙏🙏🙏

**_nightmare_** : i am in a happy relationship with M thank u very much

Lucy: How is she by the way?

**_nightmare_** : shes mad

**_nightmare_** : at the homophobic bullshit

Lucy: Isn't she worried about you?

**_nightmare_** : im just fine

**_nightmare_** : what isnt fine is them being backwards assholes

**_nightmare_** : it aint the XVIII century no more betch

Ant-Woman: priorities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Father/Ant-Woman - Jessica Jones  
> Icon/cool uncle - Frank Castle  
> Waluigi/acid - Luke Cage  
> Lucy - Matt Murdock  
> Wade-Bo/cancer - Wade Wilson  
> Babey/ginger :c - Danny Rand  
> beans/nightmare - Peter Parker
> 
> I'm kinda a mess rn so updates will be sporadic and NYC's Vigilantes will be on a hiatus due to the fact that I'm running low on ideas and that the next few chapters that I'm working on are going to be really long, like 6-8 thousand words long


	9. fuck staten island w/ special guests!

**_nightmare_ ** : hey

cancer: hey

Ant-Woman: why aren't you two sleeping?

**_nightmare_ ** : nightmares

cancer: me too

Ant-Woman: me three

Ant-Woman: want to tell what they were about?

**_nightmare_ ** : ben

cancer: my dad

Ant-Woman: killgrave

**_nightmare_ ** : how do you deal with them

cancer: i talk to Ness

Ant-Woman: i used to drink until i passed out but i cut rback on booze 

Ant-Woman: so i don't

cancer: i honestly just try and talk to somebody

cancer: you have no idea how much it helped to calm down the boxes 

Ant-Woman: maybe go see a shrink? 

**_nightmare_ ** : have you ever tried therapy

Ant-Woman: for a bit

Ant-Woman: after killgrave

cancer: I tried counseling in the army, but it didn't help

cancer: and later they just took my aggression and made me a glorified hitman

Ant-Woman: the worst part is that we can't even talk about the shit that haunts us

Ant-Woman: because if i talked about what killgrave made me do i would be in jail

**_nightmare_ ** : they still dont believe you

Ant-Woman: they don't

**_nightmare_ ** : why does this have to be so hard

Ant-Woman: I don't know 

cancer: I don't know either Baby Boy

* * *

cancer: good morning we shall never talk about the texts from the night

Ant-Woman: sure

**_nightmare_ ** : you know whats funny

**_nightmare_ ** : the fact that there is a fuck ton of crime fighting assholes in ny but none are based in staten island

:c ginger: shit u rite

:c ginger: maybe we should expand the patrol grid to staten island?

cancer: let's just plant a couple of megatons of boom boom under that shitty excuse for a borough

herpes: i second wade

**acid** : i third that

Ant-Woman: i fourth that

cool uncle: i fifth that

**_nightmare_** _added clit_

**_nightmare_ ** _ added hawkass _

_ clit is now online _

clit: i sixth that

_ hawkass is now online _

hawkass: i seventh that

_clit_ _added Spider-Mom_

_ Spider-Mom is now online _

Spider-Mom: i eighth that

**_nightmare_ ** : hey nat 🖤

**_nightmare_ ** : i ninth that btw

Spider-Mom: hey lil spider 🖤🖤

_ Spider-Mom added Nicky Furry _

Nicky Furry: I can provide the megatons of boom.

Spider-Mom: Thx Nick.

Nicky Furry: Actually, I have a better idea.

_ Nicky Furry added  _ **_Vers_ **

**_Vers_ ** _ is now online _

**Vers** : what is this?

Nicky Furry: Want to photon blast Staten Island into the dark realm?

**Vers** : why?

**Vers** : don't get me wrong, hell yeah i want to

**Vers** : Staten Island sucks

**Vers** : but why?

**_nightmare_ ** : there is no vigilante in staten island to help with all the criminals fleeing there so we want to blow it up

**Vers** : valid

**_Vers_ ** _ added PHOTON _

**Vers:** Mariaaaaa

_ PHOTON is now online _

PHOTON: What's this?

**Vers** : want to watch me photon blast Staten Island?

PHOTON: sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nightmare: Peter Parker  
> Ant-Woman: Jessica Jones  
> acid: Luke Cage  
> cancer: Wade Wilson  
> :c ginger: Danny Rand  
> herpes: Matt Murdock  
> cool uncle: Frank Castle  
> clit: Clint Barton  
> hawkass: Kate Bishop  
> Spider-Mom: Natasha Romanov (Romanoff? Romanova? who knows?)  
> Nicky Furry: Nick Fury  
> Vers: Carol Danvers  
> PHOTON: Maria Rambeau


	10. exposed

Ant-Woman: MATTHEW MICHAEL MURDOCK

Ant-Woman: HOW DARE YOU

**_nightmare_ **: what did he do

Ant-Woman: HE STARTED TO REFER HIS CLIENTS TO ME IF THEY NEEDED A PRIVATE EYE

Ant-Woman: DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK WITH MATT “I’M SECRETLY A VIGILANTE BUT I ACT LIKE A FUCKING SAINT IN MY DAY-TO-DAY LIFE” MURDOCK?

herpes: I don’t know, do you?

Ant-Woman: FUCK YOU MURDOCK

**_nightmare_ **: gesu cristo jode en una bicicleta

* * *

**_nightmare_ **: im pissed at all of yall so im going to spill all of your secrets here

**_nightmare_ **: frank was born under the name Francis Joseph Castiglione

**_nightmare_ **: his parents are Sicilian 

**_nightmare_ **: he played mercutio in his high schools romeo and juliet

**_nightmare_ **: there is a recording of that

cool uncle: peter please stop.

**_nightmare_ **: right before graduation he lost a bet and had a mullet

**_nightmare_ **: so in his hs grad pics he has a mullet

**_nightmare_ **: he had a nose piercing in hs as well

cool uncle: how do you know that? 

**_nightmare_ **: i know everything

**_nightmare_ **: matt once actually fell down a manhole

**_nightmare_ **: there is security camera footage

herpes: Peter

**_nightmare_ **: he was in the dd suit

:c ginger: ksjdhkjsahsajkhd

**_nightmare_ **: danny-boy!

:c ginger: crap i should’ve stayed quiet

**_nightmare_ **: danny is a miranda cosgrove stan 

**_nightmare_ **: something miranda cosgrove related is his password for 6 of his accounts

**_nightmare_ **: including his company one

**_nightmare_ **: he also actually enjoyed green lantern (2011)

Ant-Woman: get this over with

**_nightmare_ **: i already forgave jess so she doesnt get her darkest secrets exposed

**_nightmare_ **: but 

**_nightmare_ **: she can knit

**_nightmare_ **: thx again for that beanie

Ant-Woman: you look amazing in cobalt blue

Ant-Woman: makes your eyes pop

**_nightmare_ **: MJ thinks so too

**_nightmare_ **: anyways

**_nightmare_ **: lukes favourite drink is aqua velva

**_nightmare_ **: which isnt embarrassing cause they rule

**_nightmare_ **: but what is embarrassing is that one time he called it an “aqua vulva”

**acid** : how? there weren’t any cameras there?

**_nightmare_ **: eyewitness testimonies

**_nightmare_ **: he also wore gold chains with polo shirts

**_nightmare_ **: like a rapper-frat boy hybrid

**acid** : Peter please stop

**_nightmare_ **: wade cannot be embarrassed

**_nightmare_ **: but its my civic duty to try

**_nightmare_ **: he once paid weasel to jump on his head while he was biting down on a curb

cancer: that hurt

Ant-Woman: no shit

cool uncle: ^^

cancer: best twenty dollars i ever spent

**_nightmare_ **: please get help wade-bo

:c ginger: what did we do btw?

**_nightmare_ **: yall got ihop without me

:c ginger: oh i thought this was about the cookies Matt brought

**_nightmare_ **: YOU ATE FOGGYS COOKIES

**_nightmare_ **: OH YOU ARE GOING TO GET DESTROYED

* * *

BRUNCH BUNCH

Bendy: Peterrr

Parx: ?

Bendy: Why is Frank going to buy train tickets?

Parx: the defenders ate fogs cookies

Page: THEY WHAT NOW

Parx: meet me @ dennys near city hall

Parx: its revenge time bitches

Page: Bring a staple gun and your staples rewards card

Page: we’re going shopping


	11. planning for revenge

BRUNCH BUNCH

Parx: [video attachment]

*Karen is sitting at a table in the old Fogwell’s Gym, now transformed into a base of operations and a training space for vigilantes, and tapping her pen on a piece of paper.

“Okay, so for Luke we’re shortening one leg of each chair that can support his weight, putting itch powder in his clothes, since you’re curious how will it work with his skin and adding just a dribble of regular cream to his lactose free one to give him mild diarrhea, but not cause any other problems.”

“Yup, for Matt we’re hacking his phone and changing all of the contact names to something very true, but kind of humiliating and making it impossible to mute.”

“What names do you have?”

“For me we have “Totes not my son”, for Elektra it’s “Crush I never got over”, for Foggy it’s “One of my two friends”, for you it’s “Other one of my two friends”, Frank’s will be “The guy that tied me up” and the rest of the list is on your desk.”

“Perfect, for Danny I just swapped all of his food for healthy alternatives, gummy bears for raisins, bread for gluten free bread, frozen nuggets for breaded brussel sprouts and I made sure he hates every single alternate food I got. Colleen didn’t get any cookies either so she’s helping.”

“Amy painted all of Frank’s vests pink and replaced the bullets in his clips for those glitter ones I made.”

“God, I still can’t believe you actually made those bullets.”

“Every time he shoots a cloud of pink holo glitter will make his enemies look fab.”

“We already forgave Jess, since she helped us with the chairs and we got every Mexican place in Manhattan to ban Wade for the next month. That’s some good revenge.”

“Oh gurl, it’s barely anything. You should’ve seen The Temaki Incident.” *

Bendy: Now i want to know what’s the temaki incident

Parx: There’s a blood pact to never tell that story to anybody. 

Wing: Oh shit. He used capitals and punctuation. 

Uma: I remember that. Still can’t look at calamari without cackling.

  
  
  
  


_ nightmare added pikachu corn chips do 6 yoomers and a zoomer _

_ nightmare changed the name of the group chat to we sometimes fight crime _

pikachu corn chips: So this is the idiotic group text

**_nightmare_ ** : :(

pikachu corn chips: I never liked children but you and Matthew are the only people I would NOT kill for

herpes: Elektra?

pikachu corn chips: Matthew

**_nightmare_ ** : peter

pikachu corn chips: Why did you say your own name?

**_nightmare_ ** : i didnt want to be left out

pikachu corn chips: I will protect you with my life

pikachu corn chips: You precious weird spider baby

herpes: Crap. He got another one.

Ant-Woman is online

Ant-Woman: One of us

_ :c ginger is online _

_ acid is online _

_ cool uncle is online _

:c ginger: one of us

cool uncle: one of us

**acid** : one of us

pikachu corn chips: Hey Frank

cool uncle: hey Elektra

pikachu corn chips: Did you finally get your head out of your ass and asked Karen out?

cool uncle: r00d

**_nightmare_ ** : frank stop trying to use youth speak to distract us from your obvious crush

pikachu corn chips: I understand that any non-platonic feelings towards people other than your deceased wife make you feel as if you're cheating on her since you haven't accepted her death, plus they may cause some repressed guilt about her murder to resurface, but it can’t be good to avoid confronting what you feel.

**_nightmare_ ** : what she said

Ant-Woman: as a member of your bio family and drink bud i agree with zombie lady

herpes: Please, any time somebody mentions your case to us she gets so bummed.

herpes: It’s really hard and she refuses to talk to me or Fogs.

**acid** : I don’t know you or Karen too well, but what you two have going on doesn’t sound healthy

:c ginger: ^^

_ cool uncle is now offline _

pikachu corn chips: Well, at least we made him confront his emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanted criminals lmao/6 yoomers and a zoomer/we sometimes fight crime  
> spooder/beans/nightmare: Peter Parker  
> stronk 'n drunk/Father/Ant-Woman: Jessica Jones  
> mm,,mmmm big muscle man/acid: Luke Cage  
> Golden Boy/Babey/:c ginger: Danny Rand  
> Horny Boy/Lucy/herpes: Matt Murdock  
> hellokittyfan69/Wade-Bo/cancer: Wade Wilson  
> GUNS/Icon/cool uncle: Frank Castle  
> pikachu corn chips: Elektra Natchios
> 
> BRUNCH BUNCH  
> Parx: Peter Parker  
> Bendy: Amy Bendix  
> Michael: Lynn Michaels  
> Nighty: Mercedes “Misty” Knight  
> Temple: Claire Temple  
> Page: Karen Page  
> Wing: Colleen Wing  
> Walker: Patricia “Trish” Walker  
> DucASS: Malcolm Ducasse   
> Summer: Nathan Summers  
> Uma: Neena “Domino” Thurman  
> Mad: Dinah Madani


	12. revenge and a toddler

**acid** : Jesus christ why does everything itch

**acid** : I tried everything

**acid** : I washed all of my clothes. I took a gazillion showers

**acid** : I bought a bunch of ointments

**acid** : Nothing. Nada.

cancer: Oh you think you have it bad? Tia’s refused to serve me today.

cancer: They wouldn’t even give me a plain tortilla

herpes: My phone screamed “Totes not my kid texted you” in court today. I have to pay a fine now.

:c ginger: we ran out of candy and the bodega guy didn’t want to sell me any

cool uncle: my vests are all pink and my bullets had glitter in them

cool uncle: they still worked just fine, but it’s hard to scare people shitless when a cloud of glitter follows you everywhere

:c ginger: do you think pete has anything to do with this?

herpes: Shit.

herpes: He finally got us for the cookies.

herpes: He didn’t do anything for three weeks to lure us into a sense of false security.

**_nightmare_ ** : well well well

**_nightmare_ ** : how the turns have tabled

**_nightmare_ ** : how the tables have tabled

**_nightmare_ ** : how the turns have turned

**_nightmare_ ** : you know what i mean

**_nightmare_ ** : the point is that you are getting fucked over just like you fucked me over

**_nightmare_ ** : first IHOP then the cookies

cancer: I’m sorry Petey-pie

cancer: We didn’t do it on purpose!

**_nightmare_ ** : thats worse

**_nightmare_ ** : it means you forgot about me

Ant-Woman: he doesn’t mean it like that

Ant-Woman: we were exhausted and hungry

Ant-Woman: and it was your scheduled night off

Ant-Woman: we freaking love you Pete

Ant-Woman: but you know that after Danny beats the shit out of people with his magic hand it takes him a lot of food to get back to fighting shape

**_nightmare_ ** : im not fixing my revanges

**_nightmare_ ** : but you are forgiven

cancer: How about we smash back to IHOP?

**_nightmare_ ** : did you just re-up at the puka shell store?

cancer: what?

**_nightmare_ ** : bash bros experience anyone

**_nightmare_ ** : seriously

**_nightmare_ ** : nobody

**_nightmare_ ** : ugh

* * *

  
  


herpes: Why the fuck is there a baby in my office?

**_nightmare_ ** : shut your fuck dd and ask MJ

herpes: I'd ask but she's on the phone and I'm too scared of her to interrupt.

**_nightmare_ ** : that is not a baby its a toddler and her name is miss jenny jones you moron. miss jones is staying with MJ for a few days so she will be around n&m until she leaves

**_nightmare_ ** : she is a respectable young lady and i love her

herpes: She is arranging Foggy's dinosaur collection by species alphabetically.

herpes: It's freaky as hell.

**_nightmare_ ** : she organises everything alphabetically, by type or by color

**_nightmare_ ** : she loves to organise things

herpes: Could she organise my ties by color?

**_nightmare_ ** : if you ask her nicely and give her a tootsie pop because despite my huge amount of respect for her shes a tootsie pop heretic

herpes: Oh thank god. 

herpes: I mixed them up on accident and I'm not asking Foggy.

herpes: The last time I did I looked like a fool for a week because he thought it would be funny.

herpes: She just asked me if I want Midnight Blue or Presidential Blue in the first row.

**_nightmare_ ** : midnight in first navy in second presidential in third

herpes: She thanks you for the advice.

:c ginger: Are all of your friends and their relatives this smart?

**_nightmare_ ** : depends on what do u classify as smart

**_nightmare_ ** : miss jones' dad is MJs cousin marty

**_nightmare_ ** : marty was a weed supplier on the east coast for 6 years but he recently sold his business for a crap load of cash and cops never even heard of him despite supplying half of NYs trade

**_nightmare_ ** : he got street smarts and businessman smarts

**_nightmare_ ** : MJ can read people both in a sass way and analytical way she understands body language and intonation and everything that conveys emotion and thoughts like nobody ive ever seen

**_nightmare_ ** : MJs gots the people smarts and book smarts

**_nightmare_ ** : miss jones loves procedure and finding patterns and she doesnt have ocd because any sort of irregularity doesnt bother her and she doesnt have a need for patterns and stuff she just thinks its fun like other kids think that coloring books are fun

**_nightmare_ ** : miss jones has logic and mathematics smarts

:c ginger: Why do you call her Miss Jones? She's a toddler.

**_nightmare_ ** : SHE IS A YOUNG RESPECTABLE LADY AND I LOVE HER 

**_nightmare_ ** : i used to call her Your Majesty Jenny Jones but MJ told me that she already had an over inflated ego so now shes just miss jones

Ant-Woman: wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess im back on my bullshit??


	13. a number nine

**_nightmare_ ** _ changed herpes’ name to Aggressively Catholic _

**_nightmare_ ** _ changed cancer’s name to Falcon Imposter _

**_nightmare_ ** _ changed  _ **_nightmare_ ** _ ’s name to PB&J _

_ PB&J changed cool uncle’s name to Mr. C (not a criminal) _

_ PB&J changed Ant-Woman’s name to Follow the damned train (J)CJ  _

_ PB&J changed ginger :c’s name to Richie Rich _

_ PB&J changed  _ **_acid_ ** _ ’s name to not Terry Crews _

_ PB&J changed electric corn chips’ name to Cockroach _

Cockroach: Why is my name that?

PB&J: cause u r harder to kill than a fucking cockroach

Cockroach: fair.

Aggressively Catholic: I would be offended if it wasn’t so true.

Falcon Imposter: WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME AS ME??

Follow the damned train (J)CJ: is that a fucking gta san andreas reference?

PB&J: oh wow you got it

Follow the damned train (J)CJ:  i’ll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.

Follow the damned train (J)CJ: contrary to popular belief, i was once a fucking nerd

PB&J: and apparently  _ a g a m e r g i r l  _

PB&J: you can sell ur bath water for a shit ton of money

Richie Rich: wtf???

Follow the damned train (J)CJ: nah. i don’t have pink hair anymore.

Richie Rich: anymore?????

* * *

  
  


Aggressively Catholic: Fuck it. I’m kidnapping MJ’s niece.

PB&J: thee has't been wonneth ov'r by the gl'rious ms. Jenny Jones

Falcon Imposter: Munchkins, what drugs are you on and why aren’t you sharing?

Mr. C _ (not a criminal) _ : he isn’t high. he just found out that the only Shakespeare play i read was Romeo and Juliet and is now randomly speaking in Shakespearean until i read Macbeth, Hamlet, King Lear and Othello. he also gave me an entire list of books that he and his friends deemed are necessary to become an acceptable member of the society. there are hundreds of books. i’m being suffocated by literature.

Follow the damned train (J)CJ: that’s cool and all, but why the fuck is matthew kidnapping the freaky math toddler?

Aggressively Catholic: She just looked at some financial records MJ was looking over to find if the guy was doing illegal things, pointed at some numbers and “Showed us liberal arts majors why that math don’t make no dunkin’ sense”

Follow the damned train (J)CJ: so you got dunked on by a toddler. that's nothing new.

Aggressively Catholic: But she did it after looking for 15 minutes while we were trying to find something incriminating for days. She just got us a sure win. And we kinda can’t show her that stuff, so shush, but a baby just saved our case.

PB&J: wench i also help yall with ur shit and i can do it legally

Aggressively Catholic: Yeah, but you also sit on our ceiling and freak Foggy out by bending your limbs in unnatural ways.

PB&J: i am bendy boi

PB&J: i just gotta bend

Aggressively Catholic: You can just bend your knee sideways. That’s unholy.

PB&J: i am **_b e n d y b o i_ **

PB&J: i **_g o t t a b e n d_ **

Mr. C _ (not a criminal) _ : wait he can really bend his knee sideways?

PB&J: i can bend my limbs every way the only limit are other bones in my body

not Terry Crews: I’m with Matt. That’s unholy.

PB&J: *scampers away like a spider while hissing aggressively*

Follow the damned train (J)CJ: tbh you’d do that unironically 

PB&J: screw u jessica 


End file.
